God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
