I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
