Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i think i have two assholes
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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