haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
