there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
