My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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