I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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