I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
