I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize