Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
