Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Come see our sink grown plant.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
