put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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