i think my tv is drunk
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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