alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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