Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Come on in and take your pants off
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