Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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