At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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