the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Randomize
