you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
