im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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