Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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