Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
