Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
