The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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