I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
How external is "for external use only"?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
