Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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