Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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