wanna go halves on a baby?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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