Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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