This is not my ceiling
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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