The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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