Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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