remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
