I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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