Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
