Dude my mom stole all your condoms
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
