Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
