Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
