I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
