my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
The struggles of a small town man whore
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
