proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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