my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Help me help you realize you are a moron
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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