I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
