You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i think we sleep fucked last night...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
