Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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