It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
