you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
