My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
