Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
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you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
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Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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