I wannas sexs uuuuu
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
