You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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