she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
