Cold hands, warm shart.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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