dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
there is puke in my bra ... again
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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