You're earring is so big in my mouth
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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