You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
