Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
