I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦â€â™€ï¸
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
