Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
