I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
