my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Two words: nipple clamps
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