she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
