For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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