So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
