There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Randomize
