A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
